Get The Story Straight
by SoddingMuses
Summary: Just a little drabble about what happened after the defeat of the Arishok. Inspired by a crazy gif that made it's way around tumblr and the discussion of how unheroic Hawke's fight with the Qunari was.


Hawke eased down on the steps to the viscount's throne with a heart felt groan. All the healing that magic could do had been done but no amount of magic could cure weary spirits or aching muscles that had taken a severe pounding. Her staff leaned against her shoulder so she could rest a tired head on it for a moment while nobles were cleared out of the room by Meredith and the city guard. All of them though grateful for their lives and speaking highly of their new Champion.

"So…" Varric said as he sat down next to her, Bianca in his lap and a rag out to clean her with. "The Champion of Kirkwall. Defeater of the great Arishok of the Qunari people. Defender of all things good and Kirkwallian…"

That last one had Hawke groaning as her head fell forward onto her palm. "Varric…" she drawled out in a warning tone. She knew exactly where he was going with matters, one of the benefits and curses of being friends with him for three years now.

"Oh come on you have to admit this is loaded with the hallmarks of a good story," Varric stated, ever persuading. "A Ferelden refugee striking gold in the Deep Roads is enough of one but then you add in fighting the Arishok in single combat to save your girl? It's enough to set heart a pattering."

"Really?" Hawke asked with a raised brow as her lips quirked. "And I'm sure describing the grueling fight where I ran around like I chicken with my head cut off to keep the Arishok away long enough to cast spells before he trampled me like a miniature ogre is going to sound so heroic and thrilling."

Varric paused in his cleaning, frowning a bit from Hawke's observation. "I may have to edit matter a bit."

"To what? Oh wait I know! I obviously charmed the Arishok and convinced him to take me away and love me forever with the power of my sexual healing and winning personality?"

"That might make a good tale to rival Isabela's Hessarian and Andraste book there," Varric said with a pondering air even as he smiled from watching Hawke's eyes go large and her face red. "I think I'll leave that type of tale to the Rivaini to write though. You two can talk the details out on it later I'm sure."

"Thank the Maker for small favors," the human muttered as she rubbed her aching head. "So what am I going to fall the Arishok with a single mighty thrust of my staff?"

"Don't be ridiculous, no one would believe that. That's like saying darkspawn sparkle in the sun and no one is going to read about that unless there's some good sex scenes." The dwarf fell to seriously pondering matters then while Hawke rolled her eyes on a grin at his distaste for what he dubbed bad writing.

"I think I might have to stab him with your staff a few times," Varric said then, his mind obviously off writing the story in his head. "A good rousing battle where you are the only one standing up to him, meeting some grand destiny to save Kirkwall after he had slaughtered so many, including the Viscount."

"You're going to turn me into some kind of sacred warrior with a stick?" Hawke asked in a tone that stated she did not think Varric so foolish.

"Nah, but warriors do get all the fun sometimes in stories. We'll just say that you were emotional over the first and charged in at first. Heroes do things like that all the time and it'll up the drama of it all while people wonder how you are going to survive."

"I have to admit I'm wondering how I'll be surviving having a massive horned bugger that could crush my skull in his hand in close enough to beat the stuff out of me." Hawke said even as she shook her head. Sometimes she just did not understand the appeal of Varric's wild tales, particularly when they featured her.

"I'm thinking a pair of giant metal flaming hands from the Fade."

"What?" Hawke said unable to contain her laugh. "A pair of fancied up demon claws? How exactly am I suppose to summon such things?"

Varric fell silent again, having to think about his answer. "Blood magic?"

"No," Hawke ordered in a flat tone as she stood up.

"Oh come on…"

"No Varric!" Hawke said with disgust as she shook a finger at the dwarf. "That's just reinforcing the school of thought that anytime a mage is cornered they will just slit their wrists and use blood magic. Maker I can hear Fenris starting on it already."

"But it fits so well," Varric said by way of explanation with a shrug of his shoulders. "Anyone around mages can tell you that they don't summon giant flaming hands of doom. No one actually knows anything about blood magic except that it causes death and destruction, which our valiant hero needs. Besides it's not like you're going to have the Knight-Commander pounding down your door to execute you. You're the bloody Champion of Kirkwall and everyone here saw you slay the Arishok. Pretty sure you could cover yourself in blood and molest the Knight-Captain with impunity."

Hawke sighed, her body was too tired and her head hurting to much to be arguing with the dwarf. She pinched the bridge of her nose as she hung her head. "Can you at least…I don't know…change the main character or something? Make me a man if you are going to insist on the blood mage angle."

"Hmm…I think I can live with that compromise. A rugged and manly apostate…" Varric mused, one gloved hand scratching his chin in thought. "Garrett sound like a good name?"  
"Sure," Hawke said as she rolled her eyes again before a wicked little grin worked it's way across her face. "Make me gay and sleep with Fenris too."

"You want Fenris to sleep with a blood mage?"

"Yes, just think of the conflict," Hawke said as her smile grew before it started turning downright evil. "Actually make that Fenris…and Anders, they can have a thrilling battle scene with them fighting it out over their lover…who runs away with a lovely pirate queen."

"Now you are just being mean there Hawke. Should I throw the choir boy in there too?"

"No, no one would ever believe Sebastian is gay. He's to…straight," Hawke said before chuckling at Varric's expression. "I can't help it…those two have been pissing me off to no end with their constant bickering and harping about mages versus the world."

"You have a point," Varric said with a laugh of his own. He had been there for any number of those arguments and he had to admit he was getting rather sick of them too. He stood up then, putting his cleaning rag away before holstering Bianca. "Alright then I'll see what I can do about the tale of Garrett Hawke. The cheating womanizing…or should I say manizing in this case, apostate blood mage that loves them and leaves them while becoming Champion of Kirkwall."

"Exactly," Hawke said as she started to limp out of the throne room with the dwarf. "And just remember to leave out all that running about during that fight with the Arishok."

"I swear to never breathe a word of it."


End file.
